I wonder what they are doing now....

Today I was a little out of sorts. My employer made an error in the payroll, and hence I did not get a paycheck. I was a little upset, being that it is December 24, 2007 and there are always last minute things to buy at the store for Christmas, or for the one person you forgot or just the milk that has to last for the extra couple of days that the stores are closed. SO I was walking around the house cursing my employer, furious that they had yet again, messed up my pay.

And now I sit here and things are not really so bad when put into perspective. Most of my Christmas shopping is done, both my children and myself have everything that we need. WE have a roof over our heads, a turkey and ham for tomorrow, a few gifts under the tree. More importantly we have each other, we have good health, and we have some sense of stability.

I am thinking about the homeless people, I wonder what they are doing now. Are they huddled together in the shelter drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows, trying to be happy, even just for a day. Are they drunk on Listerine, or rubbing alcohol, trying to erase memories of a family that has abandoned them and mistakes that they made? Maybe they are in a detox drying out, going through withdrawls, completely unaware that it is Christmas at all. Perhaps a young girl prostituting is standing on the corner downtown Toronto, in the freezing cold, wondering what her parents are doing tonight, and how much she misses Christmas at the farm up north. Somewhere in this city tonight, someone is sleeping in a cardboard box under the Gardiner Expressway and is grateful for the Salvation Army truck that will drop them by a bagged lunch and if theya re lucky some new socks.

The thought of kids running up and down the halls at the women's shelter, and in the early morning running out to tell the front line staff what Santa brought to their room for them, really puts into perspective how UNIMPORTANT it is that my paycheck is late. I will wake in the morning, make the kids breakfast, look at them unwrap their presents and see my youngest scream in delight as she opens her new PSP. It brings me back to holidays in the shelter. It has been along journey, and I really should remember how lucky I am to have made it past that point in my life.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, with hope for a better 2008, no matter where you lay your head tonight.

Joanne

Lonliness

The other day someone was mentioning to me that they were lonely. I told them loneliness is foreign to me. I do not know what loneliness is. I like being alone. I like being in the company of myself . Sometimes I can not wait to go to bed to have some quietness and stillness and lay by myself and just be.

I am surrounded by friends, so I never feel "alone". I have hobbies that give me fulfillment and bring me joy. If I ever feel lonely, I just have to pick up the phone or get on the computer and chat to a friend and the feeling disappears. I looked up the meaning of loneliness on wikpedia and this is what I found "Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation."

I told the person the more you learn to love yourself, the less lonely you will be. They did not understand that and said all they needed was a wife or a girlfriend and they would not be lonely. I told them that is not true; you can be in a crowd of people and be lonely or you can be completely alone and be quite content. Loneliness is a state of mind, a way of feeling, I do not think it is contingent on someone else being there to fill an emotional state from within.

I realized that the world is full of lonely people. I find that lonely people tend to isolate themselves from relationships that require emotional exposure. I have felt lonely before, like something was missing, but thankfully for me those moments are few and far between. One of the moments I feel "lonely" is my birthday and Christmas morning. I generally feel lonely because my mother is not there, and it is a feeling of something missing. However, it is brief, and it only lasts a few minutes. It is not a pleasant feeling at all, and I would hate to deal with that on a regular basis.

There are many ways to escape being lonely; However they do require some effort:

keep and maintain personal friendships

make the effort to keep in touch with people regularly

take up a hobby that you like

find people with common interests and surround yourself with them

volunteer ~~ help someone else

These are the ways that I have overcome loneliness, which really is just isolation. If people would learn to connect to others I feel the whole world would be a lot less lonely.

Back to the Salvation Army

Today I received an email from the Salvation Army Outreach Worker. I am going back In January to present my Dream Rebuilding Workshop!! I just love doing this kind of work, it brings me to life.

I did a workshop in October and it was wonderful. It was nice to be presenting in a shelter that I used to work in 15 years ago. There are so many memories there, working with my late mother, my first social work job, and all the wonderful people that went through the shelter. I also am reminded of my beautiful co-worker, Lynn Murray who passed away from Breast Cancer. When I worked at the shelter she was the Family Violence Worker When she passed away she was the Director of the Shelter. She was in her late 30's. She was a friendly woman, very pretty, non-judgemental, and always smiling.

When I do my presentations at Family Life Resource Centre, I feel very much at home. Last time I was there I gazed at the garden in the centre of the driveway that was planted in honour of Lynn. I wished I could have been there for the memorial. I will be able to attend this year. I feel a warm presence around me, and know how happy she would be that I have a genuine interest in helping these women and children to escape the life of abuse.

When I was in the room where I was presenting there was a big picture of Lynn on the wall. I felt like she was still there, just smiling at me, nudging me on, and telling me not to be nervous, I was doing a great job.

I look forward to going back to that shelter. I seem to be in my element there. I feel that the women are learning a new way of looking at the future, and by encouraging them to do their best, I also strive to do my best. Please give generously to the Salvation Army during htis holiday season. Do it for all the families in the shelter. They deserve it more than you know.

The Christmas Season

Another month ~~ Just flown by. it is crazy how fast time seems to go when you are not paying attention to things. One minute it is September and I am getting ready for the big cancer walk, next thing you know, I am walking down the street watching the snow fall.

I have been cooped up this month with a broken foot. In a way it was a blessing:) I was able to study for my exam and managed to get my first 100% in university. I am not so sure how hard these are to come across, but I can tell you that I am just a little thrilled to know that I can pull it off.

I have had time to catch up with friends and that is something I love doing. I am so lucky that in through the use of Facebook I was able to reconnect to some very old friends who I seemed to lose contact with when I was facing chaos in my life. Now they are back, and it is such a treat to be able to have dinner with them, and go out with them and talk on the phone. I am lucky...... sometimes we really are given a second chance.

I went last night to the Advent Mass. Not sure I believe in all those rules, but I certainly Believe in GOD and SPIRITUALITY. As I listened to the priests words, I heard a deeper meaning...... we are all one. The priest explained what Advent was, first candle was hope, second was faith, third was Joy and fourth was love, in a wreath that is never ending. I thought to myself isn't that what all religions are about really? What is really the difference. I know this can be a touchy subject, but it just seems to me that the bottom line is love one and other. Is it really important that I eat the wafer? And if I eat the wafer and I am not christened Catholic, does that really make me a sinner as my daughter said? NO, I like to think that God would understand and would just be happy that I was at some house of worship, being grateful, and singing praise for all that I have.

SO whatever it is you are celebrating may faith, hope, joy and love be part of your never ending journey :) AND eat a cookie or wafer on your way.

Getting caught up in the Bus- i- ness of it all

Well~~~

it's been a while since I have blogged. It is not a matter of forgetting about it. I have been busy with University, and I am looking forward to finishing my BA for once and all. The end is in sight, and now I jsut have to decide what to do with it, what direction to take next.

I will send that out to the universe to help me with direction. I have been asking for direction for a few weeks now, and the funniest thing happened to me. I was at a wedding shower, and I had to pick out a mystery gift. TO my surprise I received a compass. Everyone laughed at that told me to put it on the dashboard of my car. But I knew the real meaning behind it. Certainly a direction will come forth soon enough.

It is a strange feeling, knowing something is about to emerge, but not really sure what. Entrepreneur keeps coming to mind, and I find that a little scary...........OOOOOOOhhhhhh to give up the day job and risk it all. Now that is Challenge at it's finest.

I best be getting back to business --- that is business 111 and accounting 227. I forgot how much reading there is in University! But I will be back weekly from here on in and plan to do a new website.

thanks for all the support.

Joanne

The Day After........ The Weekend to End Breast Cancer

It has taken me an entire day to recuperate from the 60 kilometre walk I had this weekend. I knew it would be a life changing experience but never quite realized to what magnitude that meant.

My journey began on the evening of September 7, 2007 as I packed my bags equipped with good walking shoes and socks, shorts , sleeping bag, pain relievers, peppermint cream for my feet, and a couple of nicoderm patches. This is a day I have concentrated on quitting smoking for once and all. I felt like it would have some meaning behind it and did it ever! I learned more on that walk about myself than I have in several years.

As I began walking I suddenly realized that I had 59 kilometres to go. I had a breast cancer rosary around my wrist and I sure used it. Every time I was in pain, I repeated " God give me strength" I would concentrate on all the reasons I was there raising this money, walking this path. I thought about my mother who died, I thought about the pain of the women in radiation, and chemotherapy and I thought of all the lives that have been taken so early by cancer. It is not easy to forget when you see walkers with pictures of their loved ones on their shirt. I saw one teams shirt that said S.O.B's ........... funny those were my mothers initials and every time that group of ladies passed me I felt like my mom was right there beside me, and I am sure she was.

As the first day went on, I found my feet getting tired, my hips starting to ache and cramps in the back of my legs. I carried onward, knowing that I would complete this journey. For so long I have focused on not having good health. REALIZATION!! I have great health. I have two feet that can walk, and strong legs that can carry me. I have strong arms, and I have a strong heart. For so long people have made fun of my feet, because they are always calloused and hard. On Saturday and Sunday I said many thanks to God for giving me those hard feet, because those are feet that do not blister or bleed when walking 60 K. I also saw that this was the REAL start on my journey to improved health. When looking at all the survivors around me, when seeing the people on the side of the street cheering me on, I knew that there was no turning back, no giving up.

I found myself crying several times that day. A tiny bit of it was from pain, but most was from joy. I realized that the gift is truly in giving. Was there anywhere I would rather be at that point in time absolutely not! I was completely in the moment for 2 days. I saw every smiling face, every house that I passed, I looked in windows of retirement homes where I saw old people looking out, and gave them a smile and a wave. I appreciated the feel of the sprinkler on my feet and did not feel strange saying hi to the person on the road beside me and asking them if they were ok, or how they were managing. You could feel the positive energy coming from every direction. Simply incredible is the only way to word it. With every high five a person gave me , sent a little more inspiration through my legs and into my feet. By the late afternoon of Saturday the 8th I had trekked across 34.5 km of Toronto. The last half kilometre that day was the toughest

I slept at camp that night. I was afforded the luxury of a deluxe tent without a tent partner. This meant that I would not have to worry about snoring, nor my infamous tossing and turning during the night. I crawled into my tent exhausted, but totally at peace with myself.

I awoke the following morning to the sound of rain on the roof of the tent. The first thoughts were. " great...... walking in the rain all day." I found I was able to reverse that thinking quite quickly, knowing that I had packed emergency rain gear that was comfortable, and the fact that I would not be sweating in the blistering sun. I was right ....... the day was quite comfortable. I was able to enjoy the change in temperature, and try to ignore my aching feet.

Over the course of the day there were several pit stops ( stops set up for hydration and bathroom facilities) and grab and go's ( where you get energy foods to last you through the next few kilometres. ) I was fully aware that I could not stop for long, my body had reached a point, where any delay or relaxation for too long would result in in seizing up. I just kept plodding along, knowing that the end of the walk was just a few hours away. Yes, only 25 Kilometres to be exact.

5 Kilometres from the end of the course, we walked past Princess Margaret Hospital. That was the most moving moment I can recall. Tears streamed down my face as the Doctors and Nurses and Survivors lined the road, shaking my hand, patting me on the back, thanking me for walking and for my help. That is the highest I have ever felt in my life. It is very true that the gift is in giving. Those few moments gave me enough strength to reach the finish line.

I have signed up for another year. As I sit here and nurse my blisters and complain about my aching feet and my aching back I am ever so grateful that I have been graced with the body that enables me to walk 60 k. It required some perseverance, some faith and some determination, but, lucky for me I have also be blessed with those gifts. Hats off to all the people that this disease has affected. I do hope that the 17 million we collectively raised will assist in putting an end to it, and in the meantime we can all strive to do our best.

Thoughts from the Shelter

I often think of how content I am by myself. I have been alone now for a nearly 7 years. By alone, I mean not in a romantic, long term relationship. I still have lots of relationships that are wonderful and very fulfilling.

So many people tell me how hard it must be to raise my children on my own. NOT REALLY. I seem to have had support where and when I needed it. I have spent a few years learning to love myself.

I am not sure, to be honest, if a relationship is that important. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have, and then at other times I think that it might get in the way of doing what I need to do for myself. All relationships require work, and compromise, and I am not sure that I am willing to sacrifice my time to put the energy into that right now.

The reason I am blogging about this is I recently read my journal from the months that I lived in the shelter. I was able to clearly define my fears and the top of the list was Being alone. It is ironic how time changes our perception. My biggest fear has now become a choice, and something that I enjoy.

When living in the shelter, I felt very lonely. That loneliness lasted for a few months. I do not have any feelings of loneliness now. I enjoy my privacy and my time with me. Sometimes I make jokes that I am my favourite company to keep. As I write this blog today I am referring back to my notes of February, 2001.

My fears were:
of financial stress
being empty
never meeting people
being unloved
being abandoned
being hurt

My goals at that time were:
to find a stable job
to heal myself
to be independent
to be self sufficient

I must acknowledge that I have accomplished these things. It is amazing if you really focus on something how much you can get accomplished. And it just proves to me that if I can do it, anybody can.

Peace
Joanne